6 Types of Porn You Can Keep Watching After the Ban (SFW!)

As you may well have heard the government’s controversial new age verification system for porn websites has run into a few roadblocks and has just been delayed yet again – this time to an as yet unspecified date – but it’s still looming.

The new system will require users to register their ages and identity with adult websites in order to gain access, and any websites failing to comply with the new verification systems could face hefty fines or even have their access blocked. With the porn ban getting ever closer (or further away, depending on how you look at it) we have put together some slightly more wholesome ways to get your kicks.

Food Porn

If the idea of a gloriously decorated cake or a dripping burger gets you going, then some food porn could be just what you need to whet your sordid appetite. Food porn amounts to alluring shots of foods of all descriptions, often made with the finest ingredients and a completely unreasonably amount of glorious toppings.

Source: reddit u/the_beast24

In most instances you will be looking at junk food which has been pimped to its fullest capacity, involving, in most instances, more than a touch of excess. Picture a burger with wagyu beef, pulled pork, bacon, blue cheese, iceberg lettuce, brioche bun and loaded with sweet potato fries and slaw, not exactly your burger next door is it?

Cabin Porn

Now while this sounds like it could a slightly creepy variant of actual porn, cabin porn typically consists of sultry and moody photos of isolated cabins out in the woods – generally looking both ominous as well as oddly inviting. Picture a wooden shack sitting upon snowy outcrop with a slither of smoke protruding from its icy chimney; you can almost hear the fire crackling and wind whistling through the tree.

Car Porn

source: reddit u/Gidevil

Close your eyes. Imagine shiny pictures of cars that unfortunately you will never afford because if you could you would no doubt be looking at your own. That’s car porn.

Generally polished and edited to look like something truly out of this world, these pictures will send petrol-heads into feverish sweats of desire, wishing that they could ride these chariots of beauty. Some of these may even be accompanied by a beautiful swimsuit model although this does begin the blur the line between porn and pseudo-porn creating a potentially sticky situation.

Room Porn

Sounding like a very generic type of actual porn, room porn is actually just pictures of beautifully decorated rooms, usually devoid of any human life, and often with a dreamy backdrop. This could be a penthouse overlooking central park, the great room of a Victorian mansion, or the wood panelled interior of a skiing lodge all with the common theme of making you wish that you were in that room rather than the one you currently reside.

source: reddit u/chadcamomila

Book Porn

Not to be confused with erotic novels or copies of playboy, this is one for the biblophiles out there, book porn will tantalise both the libido and the intellect of all the bibliophiles out there. This could consist of a series of dusty tomes lined up on a rickety old bookshelf or perhaps a single book lying tantalisingly open on a pine dressed, almost as if inviting some lucky book worm to feast its eyes. These days you could probably expect a kindle a nighty, although I feel this would be detracting somewhat from the allure of an actual book.

Holiday / Travel Porn

In its broadest sense this is essentially photos of nice places that are far enough away as so not be easily accessible by you at that point. This however is detracting slightly from the escape that holiday or travel porn brings as you stare forlornly into your screen wishing you were traversing the mountains of the Andes or just lying on a beach in Borneo. Perhaps staring at such photos will give you the impetus you need to get saving and leave your bedroom and go and take a good look at the beautiful world that has been afforded to us.

Now, go and have a cold shower.

Michael Quinn
Written by Michael Quinn

Michael is a dedicated author helping usave to write guides, blogs and news for the last four years. When not writing articles, you can usually find him at wine tasting events or having a political debate on the night tube.

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